


Touch Me

by eldergays



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, probably slow burn, soulmate au where you get your soulmate when you first touch them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 10:30:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11079738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldergays/pseuds/eldergays
Summary: You don’t know who your soulmate is. You don’t know if you’ll ever find your soulmate. You don’t know if you even have one. The only thing you do know is that the moment you touch your soulmate for the first time, you’ll know it was them. The rest is up to you.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fiction for DEH and my first fiction since I was like twelve?? I don't have an exact update schedule worked out yet but it'll most likely be every week.
> 
> Also the title came to me cause I've been listening to Ben Platt sing Spring Awakening.

_ You don’t know who your soulmate is. You don’t know if you’ll ever find your soulmate. You don’t know if you even have one. The only thing you do know is that the moment you touch your soulmate for the first time, you’ll know it was them. The rest is up to you. _

 

_ ~ _

 

“Listen Evan, all I’m saying is that if aliens theoretically exist, which I mean they have to exist, do you know how fucking big the universe is? Anyways, if they exist, then why isn’t it possible that they all look like mini versions of Danny Devito? The possibilities of aliens are endless and I want my damn Devito aliens!”

 

Jared Kleinman was obsessed with conspiracy theories. Most of the time this was fine, but sometimes he got distracted.

 

“Jared, even if that were the case, the possibility that your theory isn’t true is bigger than the small chance that it is…” Evan said, trying to let down his friend easily.

 

“Did I just hear Evan Hansen admit there was a small chance that aliens look like Danny Devito? I’ll take that as an accomplishment, and an admission to my speculation.” Jared announced, slapping Evan on his arm, causing him to recoil and make a somewhat embarrassing squeal of pain.

 

“Shit man, sorry about that, I’m still not used to that thing yet.” He stated. “How did you end up breaking your arm anyways? Did you strain yourself jerking off too much at the thought of Zoe being your soulmate? I mean I get it, the Murphy’s do have that sort of effect on people, although Connor’d probably be physically breaking your arm, instead of figuratively speaking.”

 

“Jared shut up!” Evan begged, flush suddenly rushing to his face. “N-no I wasn’t jerking off, obviously… I f-fell out of a tree… Besides Zoe-”

 

“You fell out of a tree?” Jared exclaimed, like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. “What are you, like, an acorn?”

 

“No, no, I was uhh, working this summer as an apprentice park ranger, down near the State Park? Cause you know I’m kind of a tree expert and all… that’s my thing...” He said awkwardly, trying to sound cooler than he actually was. “Yeah and uhh, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree, and-”

 

“And then you fell.”

 

“Well no you see that’s the funny part because there was this time after I fell where I was just lying there on the ground waiting for someone to come and get me, and I just kept waiting for someone to come for a solid ten minutes-”

 

“And did they come?”

 

“No, uhh nobody came, that’s the funny part you see, because it’s uhh, you know…” Evan said, clearly feeling his story die.

 

“Jesus Christ, how fucking pathetic can you get dude?” Jared asked rhetorically. “I’d honestly go with the jacking off story, it’ll at least give you some guy points.”

 

“I-I can’t do that! What if Zoe hears it? Besides she has her soulmate anyway I couldn’t embarrass her with that. And Alana would probably kill me if she heard I was thinking about Zoe that way.”

 

“Yeah that was probably tragic for you to see when you watched her get ripped away from you.”

 

Zoe and Alana had been the only people Evan had actually seen realize they were soulmates. It was his sophomore year of high school and Alana was carrying a stack of books so tall she couldn’t see where she was going. Zoe was carrying her guitar and rushing to jazz band practice, Evan knew this because he had memorized Zoe’s schedule within the first month of school.

 

The entire hall probably heard them crash into one another. Evan had wanted to ask if they were okay or offer to help them, but they were just  _ staring  _ at each other. No one really knew why until they had been staring for just a bit too long. It hit Evan like a brick. He watched as their gazes had suddenly softened and looked at each other in a new light.

 

“I don’t think we’ve met officially.” Alana had said, reaching out her hand. “I’m Alana Beck.”

 

“I-I’m Zoe…” She replied, taking Alana’s hand in hers. They just held their hands together, not really shaking them. “And I think I just found my soulmate.”

 

It would have been a beautiful sight to Evan, seeing his first soulmate’s unite together. But it just hurt him. It felt like yet another reminder that he may never find his soul mate. His mother never did, so why should he? She had always told Evan that she didn’t think she had one, but she didn’t want it to stop her from loving someone. But that worked out just great for her. She was divorced after only five years of being married and stayed single since. 

 

Children of parents without soulmates had a 50% chance that they would also end up having no soulmate, and these statistics scared the hell out of Evan. He read so many stories of people who spiraled into drug abuse and depression due to the lack of a soulmate. He didn’t want to end up a lost cause.

 

“Hey Connor! Loving the new hair length, it’s very, ah, school shooter-chic.” Jared suddenly exclaimed. Evan was snapped out of his momentary flashback. 

 

Connor made no attempt to give Jared a reply. He was notorious for instantly chilling a room just by walking in.

 

“Just… kidding…” Jared said awkwardly. “It was a joke?”

 

“Yeah no it was funny, I’m laughing can’t you tell.” The boy deadpanned. Even though his voice had no emotion in it you could still hear his anger rise. Jared fell silent, not knowing what to say. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He said, walking closer to Jared.

 

Jared shook his head. “You’re such a freak…” He walked away from the scene, not paying attention to Connor anymore.

 

Evan was honestly terrified of Connor. Although he knew the school shooter jokes were all exaggerations, he didn’t put it past him to start a fight with someone. And now he was left alone with Connor. Evan laughed at his own predicament.

 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor suddenly said, turning his attention to Evan, who immediately felt regret in his action.

 

“What?” Evan asked. He felt his face go pale.

 

“Stop fucking laughing at me!” He yelled.

 

Even though Evan knew there was no calming Connor after he was set off, he still tried to speak. “No no, I’m not-”   
  


“You think I’m the freak?

 

“No I don’t-”

 

“I’m not the freak, you’re the fucking freak!”

 

Everything happened quickly after that.

 

Connor stomped up to Evan and pushed him aside, probably with the intent of storming away after and leaving Evan behind, however Connor ended up falling down too.

 

Evan felt his vision go black for a split second when he fell. He probably could have kept his balance if he tried but everything seemed to stop working in that moment. He couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t hear anything. He stared at the space in front of him, not quite knowing what he was looking at.

 

Evan feared the possibility of not ever finding his soulmate, or even worse, being born without one. But he thought that, in this moment, he would’ve taken anything else. Anything but having Connor Murphy as his soulmate. He thought that this must’ve been a joke. He was pushed down harder than he thought and that he probably had a concussion. There’s no way he hasn’t made contact with Connor before, he’s known him since the second grade.

 

So many different things were racing through Evan’s head until he decided to actually look at Connor.

 

He had landed on his side in an ungraceful-like manner, and was staring at Evan with an unreadable expression. Evan couldn’t tell if Connor was in shock, pissed off, confused, or some combination of all three.

 

He couldn’t tell how much time had passed by. But suddenly Connor Murphy stood up, took one final look at Evan, and ran off. Evan didn’t think about chasing after him until it was too late. He doesn’t even know if he could make himself stand if he wanted to.

 

~

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_ Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year or even an amazing life. Cause why would it be? I’m pretty sure at this point my life is officially a joke. My life could have ended up completely different but I was chosen to live this way. I wish I could’ve made things different. I wish I was able to have friends. I wish I was able to talk to Zoe without wondering if everything I say to her is worthless. I wish that anything I said actually mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would the world even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? _

 

_ Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, _

_ Me _

 

“So, what happened to your arm?” A familiar voice uttered.

 

Evan looked up and saw Connor Murphy standing across the room. It was weird seeing the school shooter and having the first thought come to your mind be  _ “You’re my soulmate”. _ But Evan couldn’t say that to him. He didn’t even know what he was asked in the first place.

 

“What?” He replied.

 

“Your arm?”

 

“Oh! I uhh, I fell out of a tree actually…”

 

“You fell out of a tree?” Connor asked. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

 

_ Great, even your soulmate thinks you’re a loser. _ “Y-yeah, I know.”

 

“Uhh… no one’s signed your cast.”

 

“Oh yeah, I know.” Evan said, oblivious.

 

“Well… I’ll sign it.” Connor stated, like it was obvious what he meant.

 

“Oh no, you don’t have to.” Evan said. This was possibly the first time he’s seen Connor not angry and he didn’t know what to expect.

 

“Do you have a sharpie?”

 

Evan absent-mindedly pulled one out of his pocket. He didn’t know why he brought it to school. He didn’t plan on asking anyone to sign his cast. He guessed a part of him hoped other people would have wanted to.

 

Connor took the sharpie out of his arm and grabbed his cast just a little too quickly. Evan winced in pain, and Connor held his arm more delicately.

 

Evan could feel the heat from Connor’s hand through his cast. He tried to focus his attention on anything else in the room besides the fact that his  _ soulmate was touching him _ . It seemed to work because when he looked back down he saw the name “CONNOR” written in large print across his entire cast. At least he wouldn’t have to ask others to sign it anymore. “Oh uhh… thanks.”

 

“Yeah well, now we can both pretend that we have friends.” There was a pause. Evan almost decided to walk out of the room. “Is, is this yours?” He asked suddenly. “I found it on the printer. It says uhh,  _ “Dear Evan Hansen”, _ that’s your name right?”

 

“Oh! Yeah that’s uhh, that was an assignment. It’s just a stupid paper that I had to write and-”

 

“Zoe?” Connor stated simply, looking at the paper again. “Are you writing about my sister?”

 

Panic rose in Evan again. “No! It was-”

 

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, you saw that I was the only other person here. So you wrote this and you printed it just so I would find it.”

 

“Why would I do that?” Evan asked.

 

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out right? So you could go out and tell everyone that I’m crazy and not have to deal with me anymore!” Connor was basically screaming now and Evan’s pretty sure the classroom next to them could hear.

 

“No Connor I-”

 

“Fuck you!” Connor yelled, storming out of the computer lab, leaving Evan behind him with an even worse day than before.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared curses a lot and Evan gets sent to the principle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I love writing Jared.
> 
> Also thank you everyone who enjoyed the first chapter! I wasn't expecting much considering it was my first fic and I posted it at like two in the morning. I really wanted to write another chapter after all of the positive feedback.

“You gave Connor Murphy your sex letter? Is this supposed to be some weird form of self-sadism you haven’t told me about?”

 

“N-no! Jared please listen to me!” Evan was in a panic. How do you go about explaining to someone that you just found your soulmate but he probably hates you, and he’s going to ruin your life with a stupid letter you wrote to yourself because you have chronic anxiety and couldn’t have been born normal? “He took it from me and he ran away and I need that letter back, a-and it isn’t some sex thing!”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ…” Jared seemed to be enjoying himself just a bit too much for Evan’s liking. He couldn’t see his face over the phone but he could feel Jared’s shit-eating grin all the same.

 

“Jared I don’t know what to do!”

 

“Well what do you want me to do about it?”

 

“I didn’t know who else to ask! You’re my only fr-family friend…” Evan knew it was probably stupid to ask Jared to help him with anything, considering the only times Jared actively engages in conversation with Evan is when he needs more money from his mom or when he’s got nobody else to talk about weird conspiracy theories.

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“I don’t know what to do, he stole the letter from me yesterday and he wasn’t at school today and he’s probably going to tell everyone about it and ruin everything even though we’re soulmates and we should work this out but he isn’t going to do that-”

 

“Woah woah woah…” Jared stopped him. “Did I hear you say something about soulmates?”

 

“What?” Evan didn’t mean to let that slip out. But he guessed if he’s already dug himself into a hole, why not make it deeper? 

 

“You said the word soulmate in the same sentence you were talking about Connor Murphy.”

 

“Oh yeah, uhh…” Here he goes. “Well, Connor pushed me yesterday and uhh… everything was really weird but  _ Ithinkhe’smysoulmateandIdon’tknowwhattodo _ .”

 

“Evan you know I can’t understand you when you ramble.” Jared deadpanned.

 

“C-connor is my soulmate.”

 

The line was dead for what seemed like an eternity. But then suddenly Evan was greeted with the uncanny, howling laughter of Jared from the other end.

 

“Jared this isn’t-”

 

“ _ HOLY FUCKING SHIT! _ ” He erupted. “This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. All this time you’ve been pining after Zoe Murphy and mourning the loss of her, only to find out that you’re meant to spend the rest of your goddamn life with her  _ brother _ . That’s like… kind of incestuous dude she’s basically your sister-in-law now.”

 

“She isn’t my sister! We aren’t married!” Evan regretted to his decision to tell Jared even more now. He felt himself start to hyperventilate. “Oh my god what is he going to do with my letter…”

 

“Dude, he’s going to ruin your life with it. I mean, I would. You should honestly just start planning your escape from town right now if you want any chance of surviving.”

 

~

 

Evan didn’t enjoy a lot of his classes. The only class he actually looked forward to was AP Environmental Science, but that was his sixth period and he had three more classes to go through before he was there. Right now he was stuck in his Literature class which was probably his least favorite. Most of the class was made up of oral discussions where the teacher went around the room to get everyone’s interpretations of a novel. Evan was always too embarrassed to utter more than a couple sentences, but doing so only made him feel worse because everyone else would be so much more confident in the way they spoke and would say so much more than him…

 

Today was at least an essay day so he didn’t have to talk to anyone else. He felt better when he could express his words and thoughts on paper. It was also on these days that he felt most motivated to write letters to himself after.

 

He was busy explaining his reasoning that Iago is just a representation of Othello’s mind when the class phone rang. He was momentarily distracted but quickly went back to his writing.

 

The teacher had answered the phone and he could hear him mumbling from across the classroom. Evan had finished his second body paragraph when the teacher spoke up.

 

“Evan, the principal asked for you to come down to his office. You can finish the essay for homework.”

 

Collective “ooo”s came from around the classroom, as always occurs when someone is sent to the principal.

 

Evan tried to put his paper in his backpack without making any noise. The class had gone back to their essays so everything was quiet again. But everything Evan did seemed to be amplified. He felt papers crumple as he put his folder in his bag, and he tried to lessen the noise of the zipper by pulling on it slowly, but that only succeeded in making the process longer and more arduous. He could feel nervous sweats start on his forehead as he left the classroom.

 

He didn’t have to tell his legs to go to the principal, they just went on their own. So he was only left with his thoughts on his way there.

 

_ Did they find out about my letter? They’re probably going to send me to the counselor to have me talk about why I want to die and then my mom is going to find out and she’ll end up crying which will only make me cry too and only wish that I had both simultaneously not tried to kill myself and also succeeded in doing so. They’ll send me off to be baker-acted or something and then I’ll be missing school and fall behind in classes and then I’ll never get the scholarships that I need to pay for college and I’ll be even more of a failure than I already am. _

 

His thoughts stopped when he was in front of the principal’s office. He wiped his sweat off his forehead with his non-casted arm to try to look more presentable.

 

When he walked inside he was greeted by a man and a woman that he had never seen before. They turned toward him and the woman gave him a solemn smile. Evan could assume that the two were married but they seemed to make no effort to try to be close to the other.

 

“Hello…” Evan started, knowing he’d have to speak first. “I-is Mr. Howard here?”

 

“Mr. Howard stepped out.” The man stated.  _ Oh. Then this was a serious conversation.  _ “ We wanted to speak to you in private.” He looked at his assumed wife, then back at Evan. “We’re uhh… we’re Connor’s parents?”

 

If that didn’t set off alarms in Evan’s head, nothing would have.  _ Connor showed them my letter and they’re probably getting a restraining order against me because I’m their son’s soulmate but I have a crush on their daughter even though she has a soulmate of her own already. _

 

“Oh.” Was all he said.

 

A beat.

 

“Why don’t you go ahead?” The father said, looking towards the mother.

 

“I’m going as fast as I can!” She rushed.

 

“Well that’s not what I asked is it?”

 

Connor’s mom looked like she was going to break down any second. She reached down into her purse and pulled out a piece of paper. Evan immediately knew what it was. “This is… Connor wanted you to have this.” She softly said.

 

“Connor gave this to you?” Evan asked, taking the letter, confirming that it was his own.

 

“We have never heard of you before. Connor had never mentioned you. But, then we found this and uhh… “Dear Evan Hansen” was the address. We didn’t know you two were friends.”

 

_ What?  _ “Friends?”

 

“Well, this letter suggests pretty clearly that you and Connor, or that he at least thinks of you as… I mean it says it right there “Dear Evan Hansen”, he wrote this to you.” Connor’s dad continued.

 

Everything that came out of their mouths only confused Evan more. “You think… you think that Connor w-wrote this for me?”

 

“These are what he wanted his last words to be.” The mother looked at him.

 

“Wh-what do you mean, “his last words”?” Evan asked.

 

Connor’s mom couldn’t continue, so the father did for her.

 

“Connor, uhh… Connor tried to take his own life yesterday.” He said slowly. “We found this folded up in his pocket. You can see he was trying to call out to you. “I wish I could’ve made things different, I wish anything I said mattered to anyone, would the world-”

 

“Larry please stop!” The mother said suddenly.

 

_ This was bad. This was so bad. Evan didn’t think he could have screwed up his life anymore but he did.  _

 

“N-no Connor didn’t write this-”

 

“He’s in shock.”

 

“No I’m not-well I am in shock but that’s not what I meant and I should really just go right now because I have to get to class and I don’t want to-” Evan stood up.

 

“Larry, his cast.” Evan stopped. “His best and most dearest friend…”

 

Connor’s mom was on the verge of tears. He noticed how Larry’s gaze had softened after looking at his cast. Looking at the two of them, he didn’t know how he could let them down.

 

“Connor cares about you Evan.” She said. “I don’t know what your relationship was like with him but I can tell that he trusts you more than anyone else. He’s never been open with anyone before until you…”

 

Evan slowly sat back down. He didn’t know what to say. So he let them talk.

 

“Connor is umm… in the hospital right now, recovering.” The dad said. “We thought that you probably wanted to visit him and talk to him after this.”

 

“We wanted you to come with us to see him. We thought you deserved at least that after being hit with all of this.”

 

_ How could he visit Connor after his last conversation with him? Connor doesn’t even know about what’s happening does he even know his parents are talking with him right now? Connor probably still hates him he shouldn’t be seeing him right now- _

 

“Y-yeah sure, that’d be great.” He replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also didn't say this before but you can find me on tumblr at http://evanbemorechill.tumblr.com/   
> idk if I'll post stuff about the story on there but we'll see in the future!
> 
> I also didn't proofread this chapter so sorry about any typos.

**Author's Note:**

> This was six pages in google Jesus.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and comments are always welcome! I'm going to try to update this regularly but if people show interest it'll give me more motivation!
> 
> Also I know I copied a lot of dialogue from the script but it's ind of necessary in this chapter, but that'll change now.


End file.
